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I have tried to "cpan install Image::Magick" on three separate OSes, all of them with perlmagick installed

And all of them are broken the same way

WHY?!
 
Image::Magick always makes me sad.
 
One day I am going to use a sensible graphics language

But for the most part, frontends are not my thing, but someone wrote a pretty good tutorial for exactly what I want, and it seems easier to debug cpan internals than figure out graphics